NEWS OF: 5/19/2006

Speak American and Carry a Big Ball

VIEW ALL: Americanism

The U.S. Senate voted Thursday to make English the national language of the United States, by first voting 63-34 to establish English as the national language of the United States, and moments later voting 58-39 to call English a “common and unifying language.” Both were added to the immigration bill that is being crafted by the Senate.

While they were at it:

  1. The colors red, white and blue were officially declared as “never running” regardless of washing frequency or temperature.
  2. The “English” language was officially renamed the “American” language, and the Queen’s English replaced with “Patriot Speak”
  3. Microsoft’s massive directory of prefabricated business letters was named as the official lexicon of the new American language,
  4. American testicles were officially declared larger than “foreign” testicles then, moments later, declared the largest and most unifying testicles in the American universe.

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